I don't recommend falling. I'm not talking metaphorically or falling in love, I'm talking about quite literally falling. So on Tuesday I went to the doctor for a regular physical... which I only had to do by the way, because she is supplier of my xanax which I hardly ever take anyway, but she insists upon doing the whole physical work-up if she's going to provide me with psychotropic meds. Which, I guess, is really fine, anyway, so I go, and she marvels at my general good health aside from the occasional anxiety attack but tells me I should get a tetanus shot since I haven't had one in ten years. SO, I say fine. The nurse comes in, gives me the shot, says "you're all set," and leaves. But man, that shot HURT. I was kind of stunned for a second, and then started to feel pretty queasy. A SMART person would have laid back on the table, but my instinct was to put my head down between my legs. Next thing I know I'm face up on the floor surrounded by medical personnel freaking out, trying to get my pulse. Apparently I fainted, fell off the table onto the floor, head first. Neck not happy. So they immediately sent me down for a CAT scan at the hospital next door. That was cool, never had one of those before. But all was normal, and other than a sore, stiff neck, I'm pretty much fine. That's what I get for going to the doctor and being in good health. Went to the chiropractor, he's fixing me. What a disaster. The moral of the story is if you're in a high-up precarious place and think you might faint, LIE DOWN. Lesson learned. Other than that, the usual holiday stress has ensued and I'm leaving town the 17th which feels REALLY soon. Too much to do, not enough time, no money... and yet I'm strangely zen these days about everything. And I'm not even TAKING the xanax!
Okay, I am pretty happy with this new blog setup -- except for the fact that there is no place to add links! And I can't include any of my friends who aren't on vox. I'm not exactly the kind of person who spends her time making new friends on the internet. I like my old ones just fine. Point is -- I need a place to include them. I also need to figure out how to tell people who look for me on my old blog to come on over here -- which is difficult since I have apparently run out of space there and it won't even let me add like ONE line to say -- hey, I moved! Anyway -- till then, just kind of treading water here. Kind of like everything else in my life... neither quite here nor quite there. My job ended so I'm once again unemployed and not even really job-hunting till january since I'm going to North Carolina for Christmas for 2 weeks... But in the mean time, just trying to write a new spec and keep myself sane and try to enjoy not having to work for just a little bit before reality sets in and I have to deal with job-hunting... Have much Christmas shopping to do and all the time in the world but no money. Great. Well all for now, just wanted to check in here...
I feel a cycle of change is beginning. Maybe it's the Democrats taking over Congress (yeah!!) Maybe it's S's sister's baby being born (aww)... maybe it's my boss getting fired (too much to explain).Or my brother finding out that he's going to have a daughter, and I'm going to have a neice. .. all of which happened yesterday... At any rate, there's a distinct vibe of change in the air... good? Bad? I'm not sure... I don't want to say that things really couldn't get worse because whenever you think that, it seems like it actually DOES, somehow, and I don't want to like, jinx myself. But I will say that by and large, most change at this point would probably constitute good change. And THAT kind of change can't come soon enough for me.
Okay, I'm scared. Yet another job is ending, and I'm apprehensively gearing up for another year and terrified that this one will turn out just like the one before it and the one before that. I can't keep doing this for much longer. I can barely get through this last month of this job without killing myself... and then what? I feel like there's no hope, no CHANCE, even of any of my dreams coming true, even the simplest ones. I have tried and all the positive thinking in the world has not been able to make it happen. And I watch as everyone around me moves forward with their careers, feeling, fearing, knowing almost that that will never be me. I hate saying it -- I hate admitting it but typing it doesn't really make that much of a difference since it's already there, inside me. And I don't know what to do. I know that it is all my fault because of who I am. Because I am so terribly bad at playing this game, because I lack the requisite social skills, the requisite ass-kissing skills, and the good looks and the self-esteem and the balls to pull it off. And I don't know how to change that -- I need like a complete personality overhaul and I need it soon. And there's so much self-doubt standing in my way... I don't know what to do. Just scared and lost and mopey I guess. More later when I'm in a better mood.
Well, I literally ran out of room on my old blog. Yep, ran out of web space. This, apparently, since I have actually kept a blog since 2002. Wow. I'm geekier than I even thought. I seriously think there are a few people who would probably stop associating with me if they knew that. Well, I can't really excuse it, other than to say I don't like to start things and leave them unfinished. Does that mean I'll have a blog until the day I die?? I don't know. But at any rate I guess I could have wrapped it up when my web space ran out... but somehow I still feel like talking. But it's definitely time for a new look, a new place, a fresh start. So, here I am... I'll write more when I have more to say...
... or Friday the Thirteenth, as the case may be. Seemed like an appropriate day for an update. This past month has been a crazy blur -- two weddings, one up in Napa, one in New York, Cindy's mom coming to town this weekend, both of them going to ROME and PRAGUE... yet another awesome trip I get to miss because I'm working. Not that I regret working -- I mean I'd probably be pretty suicidal if I were still puttering around my house with nothing else to do but contemplate my failures at life. But work and these busy weekends are definitely wearing on me. But there are only a few months left at this job... and then, well, who knows? It's still a long time till May.
Anyway weddings always make me think about C and me and what ours would be like if it were legal for us to have one. People always say things to me like, "Oh, well, you could get married in Massachusetts," or "you could have a committment ceremony." But like -- a) Why would I want to get married in a state I don't live in. Sure, I'd be legally married in Massachusetts -- but I don't LIVE there. So for all intents and purposes it wouldn't mean anything. And b) Why would I want to have a FAKE wedding ceremony. It's like playing house or something. Sure, I could have a pretend wedding. If I were religious, I could have a wedding in my faith and that might mean something, but I'm not -- so who exactly would preside over this wedding. Not a judge, since it's not legal. Not a priest, or a rabbi, since I don't have either of the above. So I don't know what that would be other than a big party. I want it to mean just as much as it would mean if someone else got married.
And speaking of marriage, allow me a short rant about Sara Evans, a born-again Christian who opposes gay marriage, who is now GETTING DIVORCED. Well thank GOD for the sanctity of marriage. I'm so glad marriage is being SAVED for people like her! Fucking hypocrite. I still like "Suds in the Bucket" and "Cheatin'" though. I think I own both. Oops. Maybe I'm a hypocrite, too. Sigh.
I don't like Mondays
...especially when they start with a dentist appointment. Word to the wise, never start your week with the dentist. I'm working on bouncing back from it but right now I want to crawl under my desk and not talk to anyone. I hate the dentist. Two hours of people doing uncomfortable and painful things to your mouth, spit everywhere, the actual "dentist" person glances at the XRays, peeks in my mouth for like one second, just to tell me I have a cavity (great... I have to go BACK to have that filled), and yet somehow I'm there for AN HOUR AND A HALF with hygenists and techs in my face. I can't blame the hygenists. I'm sure getting their associate degrees and like, being off drugs or whatever, is some big accomplishment for them -- and they're definitely doing what they're supposed to do but I hate that no matter how good I am about brushing and whatever, they always find some way to make it MY fault that it's painful -- "Do you floss?" "Yes!" "Every day?" "Well, I mean, not every DAY, but..." "Yeah, that's why it's a little bit painful. Oh, and also it's been a year and you should really be coming in every six months." .... Anyway, I wish I could say it was done. I'm trying to figure out how long I can put off filling this cavity before it becomes some kind of dental disaster. And I have to go to Napa this weekend for a wedding and I don't feel like I'm organized and ready to go yet... And someone seems to have removed the cardboard I plastered over my air conditioning vent and cold air is blowing on me as we speak... Yucky, yucky Monday. Enough complaining for now.
i'm all right
God, I have been a really bad blogger lately. Probably just because things have been fine. Not "good" or "bad," you know, just "fine." On the plus side, I have a job, the people are wonderful, thus I don't have to spend my days figuring out how to fill them, feeling like a useless failure. And I have a long weekend coming up in which I'll be able to clean the house, catch up on a lot of shit, etc. On the minus side, I feel like my career's at a standstill, don't really feel like my agent or manager are particularly interested in me at the moment, which I mean, I guess is understandable... And I'm trying to write something new, a feature, which I've never done before and I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, and I want to get started on it but my story still isn't ready, and I'm impatient. And I'm tired of continuing to write things that don't sell anyway. BUT that is not positive thinking. It's harder than it seems to keep that optimism up. And C is going to NC for the weekend so I'll be all alone. And everyone else is depressed or stressing out right now and I just feel like I'm in this sort of neutral lull. It's better than depression of course, but it's time for some joy in my life. Don't you think??
a place in the world
Sorry I've been so MIA. It's been busy these past few weeks... I've settled into the routine of being employed, which is good... Joined the YMCA, which is like, literally five blocks from the office, and I've been working out most days after work which is also good. And I had a really nice weekend -- C and I went to see the Mysterious Bog People at the museum, and went to the spa with K on Sunday -- and then back to work Monday. We haven't had scripts coming out yet and the writers have been nice enough to allow me to be in the room, like, all the time - but as scripts start to come out I will have to start feeling like a script coordinator again.
But I'm on a positivity kick at the moment. Trying to put out as much positive energy as possible in the hopes of getting it back. I don't know that I have any actual evidence that it actually does come back... that it does anything -- but there's no real argument in favor of negative thinking, right? I don't know. It's so much easier to gripe about the things that suck, for some reason, than it is to appreciate the things that don't. But I'm working on that...
